indiestellar

I certainly don't think people get as miffed as I. Please, their anger is only a tenth to my obliterating fury. He infuriates me more than cars high tailing on my ass when I'm going the speed limit. He pisses me off more than the sky thundering its fury on the earth with water and electricity. More than collosial pain in a pregnant woman's belly, the swollen seed of nine months pulsing and punching to get out of her premordial sack of blood. More than a murderer slicing through the stomach of his victim, revenge a soulless criminal pushing him forward tos further the act. It's painful, just like all of those things put together into one great ball of hurt, sharing space in the pit of my stomach and in the back of my throat.

He doesn't know. Maybe he might know but he just doesn't care. I wish I knew, but I don't. I can't. Not my policy. It just really hurts to be like this. To boil mortally in a stew of classic sadness and remember all the times when I thought he cared. My insides keep saying he does, but I always second think that's what my body wants to say intead of what needs to be said. I don't trust my body, let alone a boy's feelings. I want to trust his feelings, to honestly just believe that he liked me and I liked him back and just be in 'the like'. To be in that blissful whirlwind of like and happiness. To feel like I meant something.

You see, that's why I feel I can't trust my body. Is it just hormones, or really my heart saying yes? Is it a honest quest for 'like' rather than an ego boost? I'm afraid that's my conclusion. To realize I'm not even in 'like' or on the road to love, but readying to set myself for hurt. And that's so selfish to think like that.

He is beautiful, of course. He's very pretty, so pretty. Not like a girl, but in the way of a model. Bless him for his good looks. That's not the only thing he has. He has his smarts, in favorite fields of his choice he's a genius in the crowd. He's wonderful. I couldn't say any less of him. If I tried, it would be impossible. I adore him.

His eyes glow when he laughs, green gray is my favorite color as of now. That smile is so golden. He charms, he's clever. What a dedication. I don't want him to see this, despite spending hours on writing a completely different outline and then having it wiped clean again. Its very annoying. But if I can write about him, then its worth my anger.

Even when his temper flares, it's charming. He has a bad temper, but I still like him. He wanted to hurt his friend once in that anger, but he didn't. He's strong like that.

Please don't be reading this.

I want you to care about me. I really want you to. But I can't make you do that. It's your choice whether you like me or not. I feel different from before. When did we change? Why did we change? Was the shift that said 'I care too'? I want so selfishly, and miserably for you to be in the like with me. It almost hurts to care so much. Remember those days when I was sad? That was you.
That day when I didn't talk to you and acted like I was mad? You, again. And today when we stood beside each other and didn't say a thing at all? I liked that. I did. It was nice to have you stand next to me. I wanted to touch your foot with mine, I wanted to break the barrier. I didn't. I like you so much. Do you even know how awesome you are? I don't believe you do. You make me sad in ways I shouldn't. I don't like it. You made me cry and you didn't even know.

The scariest part is that if you actually know. And you don't like me back. I don't want that. If you hurt me, you're the last. I won't ever care about another person again. I swear. Never.

Well, that's drastic. Sure.

When I see you smile, I feel better instantly, like a cure for cancer. It makes me feel alive. It makes things hurt less bad. It almost makes me think that I really care a lot. I'm afraid to say it though sometimes. But I know you're different from the other two. When I say I like you aloud, I don't automatically lose feelings. They're just there, stronger than ever. They're there when you aren't.

I want you there. But not sexually. That's the strangest thing. I can't think of a time when I did think of you that way. Honest and always.

Do you feel that way too? Do I put a crack in your heart when I avoid your eyes? When I act angry with you? When we don't talk?

If only, if only. <3

I want to love you.

9/19/08